See you tomorrow

In about 24 hours from now, I will be boarding the plane to Singapore. And although I have done this a couple of times, I still feel nervous about going back. And when I break it down, I saw what was worrying me. When I am alone, I can do stuff on my own. I do it when I want it and how I like it to be done. But when I am back, I am no longer just me. I am part of a team, my family. So when my dad tired to take my luggage for me at the airport, I felt weird. And wrong. I am not used to it, having others doing things for me. I think that's why.

But similarly, I think my family was traumatised by my return the last time because I made some changes to our house of 20 years. Thank god they still accept me.

In any case, if everything goes well and the weather is good, I will be back home tomorrow and shall be seeing you all soon.

The impact a thought can have

So life as we know it, has always been the same. Until it is not. The day I am referring to is yesterday. The day I quit quiting. It is always like that. Only when you get into serious sh*t will you realise your true potential. And then you come out of the problem as a better person. I realised I gave up on myself too early. But she didn't give up. The lady, a stranger to me before yesterday, present me with the most generous offer. And she helped me through. Through her I saw humanity, a rare quality in busy people nowadays. Through her actions I've learnt not to give up. Cos that is what I did and I made it! It helped a lot that she was very supportive and positive, throwing away all the negativity in me bit by bit. I don't think she realise her effect on me.

Nothing is fixed until the last second. It's ok even if you don't get what you deserve for all that work. And even if you've reached the last second, sometimes you can have another chance. Don't give up my friends. You might just be surprised.

Fuo gun

Hello! Very quick and very briefly, I present you with my updates.

1) Exams are 3 weeks away, Arghhhh... DIE!
2) Date of returning to sg, 21st Dec.. yes, in december. I want to cry!
3) Currently no house to stay when/if I come back next year.
4) Weather now is as unpredictable as the mood of a PMS-ing women
5) Was just thinking of the summer flies attack from last year.. *shiver*
6) Loving life despite everything

What will you do if you were me

I haven't been here for a while and its already spring. Much to update don't know where to begin. My Melbourne trip with Xinyi last July was very enjoyable. Reminds me of our trip to Perth more than half a decade ago. We were young and adventurous then. Melbourne is a very interesting place. It is a jumbo mix of young and old, black and white, historic and modern, and everything in between. All in all, it is an eye-opener. And this holiday, I am going to Sydney! Looking forward to that:)

It is my last semester here, although it doesn't feel like it, and there are much to be decided. One decision will lead to more decisions to be made. I feel all queasy inside whenever a potential life-changing decision lies on my lap. In this way, I feel like a kid. Like I don't want to face the music whenever I've made a wrong turn in life. So I end up asking people I know to make the decision for me. I think its because I am not sure if I'm ready for the change.

Dreams are bad for mental soundness

I don't know why, but I have been dreaming a lot lately. Dreams of people I know, people I don't know and people who don't know each other behaving like they do. It's weird how dreams can appear to be so real. It seems as if in dreams our emotions are no longer protected by our conscious mind and are blatantly subjected to the harsh environment of dreamland. In dreams, we feel more than we think. It makes something which is physically impossible like flying, seem very acceptable.

I don't like to dream. It tires me emotionally especially during the first few moments I just woken up. And I spend much of my precious waking hours trying to figure out what exactly is it trying to tell me. Most importantly, it makes me emotionally unbalanced cos I'd feel cheated of one night's sleep.

Another dream inspired

I am tired. I think I am too uptight. I know I should take it easy. Recently, I dreamt of something I cannot really remember. All I could remember was the intense feeling of helplessness. It was so real I could feel bits and pieces of it throughout the day. It is eating me away. I need to relax. I need to let it go.

And so I shall.

Update

Alright guys. This post has to be done under 20 minutes. Just a quick update. For now, the study material of this semester seems difficult. Especially biochem. Lets hope it will get better as the semester progress.

Have you ever felt that there's someone behind you but when you turn around there's no one there? Or when you keep hearing someone calling your name in the crowd but when you turned, again there isn't anyone? I keep having this feeling recently. It's like a weird feeling that won't go away.

Elisa came to visit over the weekends but I couldn't meet up with her much. Sorry 'bout that girl. See you in Singapore k!

Speaking of which, its Singapore's Birthday today! Ah.. how I missed the National Day Celebration. And the goodies bag from the parade. To commemorate this day in my own special way, I have decided to wear my Sg tee and instead of the other pop songs, I would sing the national anthem with pride in the bathroom when I bathe today.

Changing buses

Hello! So I am into my second week of my final semester as an undergrad and everything is kinna different. I was assigned to complete my genetics placement in an institute located at the Waite campus which is about 30-40 minutes away from the North Terrace campus. And because I have the privilege of travelling that far away from the city, I have discovered yet another interesting thing about adelaide.

Did you know that the buses here change their numbers as they travel from the suburbs to the city and vice versa? If you see a bus approaching from afar and the number on the bus is, for example 123, and so you thought it isn't your bus cos you're waiting for number 456 but within a blink of an eye, the bus number changed to 456 and you missed the bus because you didn't know that buses could actually change their numbers as they go. How weird is that? The numbers on the buses in adelaide are electronic, unlike the number printed on board kinds you see in singapore, and so changing the bus number is as easy as pushing a button.

Once I got off a bus (thinking I had to change buses) only to see that the bus I was on had its number changed! And the funny thing is that it was changed to the one I was supposed to go on. So, with embrassment written all over my face, I boarded the same bus... again.

I guess this is one of the few things I have to get used to.

Life or death

I'll tell you a story. A true story. Not of my own but of someone by the name of Ramon Sampedro. He wanted to die.

He was involved in an accident when he was 25 that paralysed him from his neck down. He viewed his existence a burden to his care-taker and wanted to end his life with dignity. It is an irony that the very reason which fueled his will to die is the one which prevented him from suicide-his paralysis. His story brought the old and familiar debate on euthanasia to mind.

I think the movie which was based on his story kinna made him a hero. It seems to suggest that he is doing what others also wish for themselves but are too afraid to perform. I do not think that the fear which keeps people from taking their lives at some crisis makes them a coward. I think it takes courage to end one's life but it takes more than that to change one's mind about committing suicide.

I have done it again, haven't I? Veered into the topic which you have no response to. I'll stop.

I love life for you are here

I am blessed. Truly I am. I am blessed with two most wonderful friends.

She looks out for me. My protector, my protectee. My partner in laughing craziness. I cannot hide anything from her. No use in trying. Many times, I tried but she sees right through me. As I, through her. She is my adviser. She is real. She is good beyond words can describe. And I, I am lucky.

He, on the other hand, is often our teasing target. We do that to amuse ourselves most of the time and he is good because he doesn't mind. He looks after me more than I know. He likes me. I like him too but not in the same way.

I shall be punished for being so selfish. For taking so much. But before that happens, before life robs me of the two best people I own, I shall enjoy our time together to the fullest. Even if I know I will look back and cry because these are the best days of my life and I will never have those days again. Because truly, I can never be happier than now.

Please try not to panic

Yes, you're right, this is my blog. And yes, it does look different. I've made the change that was long overdue.

Do you ever wonder how names come about? Is it just a factor of how the syllables would sound when put together, or does it have another, more significant basis? I do not mean the names of individual people. I mean the general class we give to things/animals likes dogs, cats, tables etc. People should definitely name things with some consideration. For instance, I would agree with the name of the animal wolf but not the cat. One would think that the cat should be called meo or something.

And anyhow, I have just completed my finals for semester one and boy, does life feel great. I used what was left of the exam induced adrenaline in my blood to stay awake all of last night in the company of a great book. My first indulgence after the exams. The next on my to-do list would be to devote myself religiously to youtube.

Subject Matters

I once heard that the sentence most often used in a person's life is I don't know.

I find myself saying that a lot lately. This is not good as exams are approaching. I think I am not being asked the right questions. Questions to which I have no answer come at me in various forms. And I can't even answer honestly. "I don't know" is not an acceptable answer. It never was.

I need to make a choice. One of three outcomes, all mutually exclusive. I am leaning towards one. The one which ends with the way it begins.

When the curtains are drawn

When I was in primary school, some ten years ago, I joined the school's choir as part of my compulsory extra-curricular activity. I don't have much memories from that part of my past, but I recall we would sing the same thing over and over again until our conductor was satisfied. Then one day, we were told that we had to perform a song in front of the school for national day. So for the next few practices, we did what we do best - sing the same thing again and again. Except we didn't sing our silly practise songs. The song we sang was written for the stage.

On the eve of national day in the year two thousand, our long awaited day arrived. We were beyond excited as we stood behind the drawn curtains, waiting for our introduction from the MC. It's just like practice. I told myself. Just do it! At that point, I heard the cue for the curtains to be drawn. We were suddenly faced with so many faces! I thought I would throw up there and then. The conductor got our attention in time. And at the fourth stroke of her baton, we sang.

There was no accompaniment, just our voices in the otherwise quiet assembly hall. It was then I understood why we had to spend many afternoons practising this. So accustomed to the song were we that we managed to gracefully leap over many dangerous pit holes on the music score. The song was finished with such perfection that the conductor actually smiled. It was the first time (and also the last) I saw her smile. Then something unexpected happened. The audience below, who have been very quiet since, clapped. I was shocked for a moment. Not because I think we didn't deserve it (for we did) but because we were not told to be expecting this. And boy, it felt great.

This is like now. Perhaps we are doing something not easily appreciated by many. But we kept on going, despite the lack of understanding and applause. This is like practice. There might or not might be a chance to perform. But when there is one, leave no hesitation in the minds of the audience to give a standing ovation.

A table with no legs

I have just received a table with no legs. I must admit I was not expecting it and I am not sure whatever to do with it. I looked at it for a long time, scrutinising it, trying to make sense of the piece of art (if you could call that art). I have decided that I didn't like it. For one, it's presence causes great inconvenience. It stands in the way of the sunlight and cast an ugly shadow (on your conscience) which makes having parties highly unlikely in the few days to come. And it is not exactly disposable. I have to keep it with me until I have served my term, my school term.








Yes, I am talking about my exam timetable.

The dose for doze

I can't sleep. It is past 1 am and barely 10 degrees.

I had a dream recently. I dreamt of my dead hamster, who was also dead in my dreams. I dreamt of a dying goldfish. In fact, my dead hamster was in the same tank as the dying goldfish.

Was this a consequence of morbid thoughts, I do not know. Was this the reason of my restless state, I do not know.

Perhaps this has something to do with the recent episodes in my life. Not that I've dealt with death. Heaven forbids, no. Just the occasional ups and downs. Maybe a lot more ups than usual. And some feelings with confused positioning on the up-down scale.

Maybe the chocolate mud cake was one too much for dessert and I am now to suffer the after-effects of a sugar overdose.

Maybe its the unfinished homework which lies on my desk now, beckoning to my conscience, drawing me from sleep.

Maybe its a combination of reasons, rather than just a distinct one. Yet, as I lie wide awake in my bed, thinking of the maybe of all maybes, I failed to see that maybe, its just me.

Maybe I'll better another day

It has been a long time. Busy would be the more socially accepted excuse for my not writing but as this is my blog, let me just be painfully honest. I have nothing to say. Nothing interesting at least. I could complain about the cold weather or the dreadful student life but more tired than I of ranting, are you of reading I'm sure. Or I could choose to write a story. A fake one, a real one or one somewhere in between. It doesn't really matter as long as it is entertaining. However, a story with no main focus or direction is like a person without an aim. There is no feelings in me right now which is strong enough for a story. I could also take a recent life experience and talk about it in some weird and abstract way such that no one other than myself could understand. But that will take much effort on my side for distorting and yours for deciphering and so I have decided against it. So I guess you could say this post is like the aimless person. For I am going to end it here, without necessarily having a point made.

This might not be funny

The past few days have been a nightmare. In a span of a mere 3 days, I have had enough encounter with danger that could have possibly irreversibly changed my perception of the human race. I hope I'm wrong (I am short sighted and tend to have an over-active imagination) but if I'm right, I might have been a target in 2 occasions and a witness in another. I will not relate what happened. And although it is probable that this is all a mistake, my gut feeling is telling me that something is going on around in the park. And that is why I am writing this. To serve as a form of documentation I suppose. Maybe I'll look back and laugh at all these in the next months or so. But not now. Now I am paranoid, suspicious of everyone I see, and taking every precaution to be with one other person when I walk through that park. I hope I'm wrong.

Story of my life

There are two things which makes for a good story. It's remarkable resemblance to our everyday lives, and the means to which it is being told. When we're watching a movie or reading a novel, we would tend to, unknown to most of us, draw reference from past experiences to associate ourselves more with the characters and to empathise with their (usually dreadful) situations. It is hard to observe indifferently as the lives of others unfold before you, be it an accurate account or a fragment of one's imagination. And I pity those who can. I do.


But if the feelings of detachment towards a story was due to ill exposure to life, then I guess I could understand for it takes one to know another. Hence the need for the story to be close enough to life, literally or metaphorically, for appropriate parallels to be drawn. We do not need to lose a child to cancer to understand the pain and agony, we've lost a grandparent before.


I guess one could argue that a better story would be one which is able to immerse its audiences into another state of life, one which was never experienced before. Like movies involving wizards, or pirates, or vampires, or (the most recent) a blue alien body. But the short-lived fantasy would dissolve once the mind clears and reality sets in. The story which makes the most impact would more often be one which we best associate our lives with.


That said, a good story must also have the ability to amplify feelings. To be able to describe most precisely the emotions of the characters requires not only a strong grasp for the language but also an in tune sense towards life. Make known to the audience, his/her feelings and that creates the bond. Let the play of words do the fine tuning of emotions.

It has not slipped my attention that some stories are harder a deal to be made impressive than others. Its only fault lies in its lack of understanding listeners. And so, from a different perspective I guess one could say that having a good story-teller is equally important to making a great story as it is to have in one's company, one's right audience.

Calling bluff

We are all guilty of it. Be it before, at present or in the future, in which case, we will be guilty of it. People usually do it to get themselves out of trouble, make others happy, to appear "bigger" or just for fun. It might look as though children have a greater tendency to indulge in it than adults but we all know that that's just bull. The mortal sin which have tempted man for years, which have caused war between brothers, which murdered the purity of the soul was created when man learnt the art of lying.

Its undeniable. No matter how hard we try, no matter the amount of self righteousness we have in us, there is no way we could have lived a life without some make believe, or some false self-flattering remarks, or some feigning of innocence, or whatever you choose to call it. To say that one has never lied before is, itself a lie.

But sometimes, we cannot help it. The situation calls for some bluffing. Sometimes, lying just makes things a lot simpler. (At this moment, you would be recalling a recent lying episode which had a happy ending.) And so, although I was taught otherwise, I think lying is not all that bad. And if telling lies emboss on us a one-way ticket to hell, I believe we'll all be seeing each other there some day.

L for....

Introduction:
When it comes to the affairs of the heart, I am really the last person you should come for advice. Cos more often than not, I would not be able to understand the pain and struggle one places himself under in the name of love. The lack of empathy might be attributed to the lack of experience or my narcissistic nature (or both).

Results and experiment:
When a girl friend relates her relationship problems to me, I will dissect the situation like a Math problem. But 1+1 is not 2. Not in this case. Cos MAybe 1 isn't 1, like he said it is. Maybe 1 is 2 and 1+2 gives 3 and 3's a crowd. And since he lied about 2 being 1, I can lie about my half of the equation and have my 1 be 2 or 3 or 4. You know what I mean?

Conclusion:
It's complicated.

Lessons taken to a whole new level

I had the most interesting tutorial today. We, the biochemist to be, were told to meet in a different location for our tutorial this week. I went to the location and was surprised to see that the doorway leading to the lecture room was draped with long, dark curtains, like those you would find in a cinema. The room was like a mini-theater. The seats are those cushioned types and you have to pull it down before you can sit on it. The 3D glasses were located below the seats. Yes, you saw it right. We were in a virtual reality classroom.

We were learning about protein-protein interaction and our tutor, Grant, thought it would be best if we could see those proteins in real life. And omg we love that guy! Once we put on our 3D glasses, he took us through many different types of proteins. Most of which we have heard of in his lectures. And we saw more than the 3D conformation. Grant rotated the molecules, zoomed in, zoomed out, removed their residues, added side chains, I felt almost like I was in the magic school bus!

I now see the wonders of my university. I am not in some ancient and forgotten building. Hidden behind those brick-red walls, are great facilities which can enhance teaching and learning. The uni of adelaide, I see you in a different light. But are there more of you which I don't see?

Missing

Dear Key

I am sorry for not treating you well enough. For always placing you with other not-so-important keys together in a key ring when you're the only one I need. For throwing you on my table every time I am tired. For taking you for granted every time you open the door for me.

I am sorry I didn't tell you how important you are in my life. And always placing you in weird places and will only search for you when I am about to leave the house. I am sorry I didn't cherish our time together more.

Please come back to me. I promise to treat you better. I'll give you your own key ring and place you in a special pocket in my bag. I'll thank you everyday for opening the door for me. Forgive me and come back.

I love you always and forever.










Unless I move house.

Your owner

Happy Birthday Mama!

Happy Birthday Mama!

I wish you good health, good fortune and good luck! May you have whatever you wish for.

Although I cannot be there to celebrate this day with you, know that I miss and love you dearly.

Please be well and safe back home.

Don't worry, I'll be by your side soon.

Your daughter
Ling

Growing up, a distance apart

So, I was walking home the other day when something strange happened. It was a hot day so I kept my eyes low and just as I turned into the road leading to my house, I saw it. Standing silently, on the opposite side of the road, was the tree. My tree. The one that wasn't supposed to grow.

I walked towards it slowly, dreading the feeling of disappointment once I knew it was my mistake. I reached out and felt its bark. Yes! It is the same. Excitedly, I placed my face closer to inspect its leaves. It's the same! My heart exclaimed again. But hang on, the leaves of every tree looked the same to me too. So I backed up and changed my approach. Walking around it, I searched for traces of evidence that would prove me wrong.

"Hello there," someone from behind me said.

I turned and met his eyes. " Oh, hello!" I said, slightly startled.

It was an old man in his 60s. He was dressed in the most peculiar manner. Donned in a sports outfit with a baseball cap, he would be thought as an athlete if not for the walking cane he held in his right hand.

"Do you like that?" he asked, pointing to my tree.

"Yes," I replied, "I think I have a similar one in my backyard."

And that started our conversation. I told him of my failed attempts to cultivate the tree and he joked that I must have picked the most stubborn seed of the lot. I soon learned that he was botanist and was amazed by the amount of things he knew about my tree.

"The seeds of this tree will only germinate when they are of considerable distance of each other to prevent competition of nutrients," he said.

We stood there, beneath my tree. Talking, laughing and listening to each other's story.

"Isn't it great?" I told the tree in my backyard when I got home, "you've got a family."

And if trees could smile, I am sure my tree would be smiling its bestest smile then.

The end.

This fictitious story is a continuation from the one I wrote in March 2009.

HATE

There is someone in my life whom I absolutely detest. I dislike him with all the hatred one's heart can bear. Everytime I talk to him I feel like a good part of me died and the ugly side of me wished him dead. I cannot put into words why I dislike him but I just feel that he does not give me the respect I should have as a person. And this is cleverly done through subtle hints he gives during our brief interation. I hate him so much but without a good reason, I cannot fight him. So all I can do now is to avoid him. This is easy enough if he would just stop bothering me.

Un-depress me

Alright guys, as promised this will be a more positive post than the previous one. So lets see, hmm.. happy stuff... oh! I've just been to Jeremy's house warming party. That was great. There was Wii and mah jong and tonnes of never seen before people. I met someone by the name of Tan Li Leng, which was rather interesting seeing we share the same name.

So that was one happy event of my current life.

And today's a public holiday for us in australia. No school! No pract! Yay!

And erm.. well, that's about it. I must say I am surprised I came up with two happy things. Frankly, I am surprised I came up with any. This shows that the good stuff's around, I just have to look harder. Till next time my friend.

Depressing

Hello and welcome to my almost non-existent blog. I am back in Adelaide and have barely survived my first week of school. Despite the fact that I have only 2 subjects to juggle with, namely genetics and biochemistry, I still end up reaching home at 6 everyday. And all the credit goes to my 4-day pract week. However, that's not the most pressing issue right now. Currently, the hot water tap in my bathroom is broken, forcing my housemate and I to bathe in Arctic cold water! And that's not it! Because of Clipsal, a annual car racing event held just outside my house, the main roads are closed for a week and I have to take an extra 15 mins to get around the road block.

Ah, life.

On the sunny side,


actually, I'll tell you the sunny side(s) in a day or two. I need some time to think.

Arghhhhhhh

I am frustrated right now cos I cannot remember something of great importance to me. It's affecting me so bad that I cannot think of anything to say for general amusement. This is bad you know? It's a vicious cycle. You are angry at yourself for being such an idiot and then you feel sorry yourself for being in this predicament. This cycle of self-resentment and self-pity goes on and on until you're too tired to think and you let the sleep take you.

Ya. I guess this is happening to me right now. Maybe I should go to bed. Then maybe I will dream. And just maybe it'll be about the new unversity password which I have recently forgotten.